anytime im not distracted, im depressed. heh. and people wonder why im always begging them to entertain me. so im depressed, and im not handling it very well. i fuckin hate this shit. i talk to myself a lot, but not out loud. oh, god. the things i talk to myself about. its insane. though, no matter how crazy things get in my head, id rather be here like this, than most places. its probably the only time i get to feel anything. most of the time im pretty numb. its funny cause i was just talkin to someone about this, and he said im like ice. its true. for the most part i can turn myself off like a switch. anyone will tell ya. well, not *anyone*, but someone might. i think it may be stuck at off. i remember when i wasnt like that. that brings me to a whole other depressing time. youd think after all this time id be able to stop crying. maybe ill wake up and this will have been bad dream. thatd be nice. too bad thats not gonna happen. what am i gonna do? thats a good question. what the fuck am i gonna do. ive been doing a lot of learning about myself and my interactions with others, even strangers. i think i understand things better now. i think i understand what i need to change about myself and the way my brain works. i never put much in to this one thing. i thought i was just nuts. im not, and its important. funny that it took this long to realize, cause i knew it all along. im just a fuckin idiot. which is wonderful. like i need anymore regret. oh, well. at least im beginning to understand things better. even if i dont fully understand, i know what it is. now, if i could only get my the voices in my head to shut the fuck up, i might be able to get some sleep. i hope i wake up to the weather that i miss the most. it reminds me. i hope i dont ever forget. memories are all i have left.