June 28th, 2002


what do you fear most in the world?

the possibility that love is not enough.

i thought today would be good. got stoned last night so would have a nice long rest since i dont have to be at school till monday. first the gardeners woke me up, when i finally got back to sleep, i had a bad dream. then i felt sick. ate a piece of nasty pizza. then my mom told me it was her pizza and i wasnt supposed to eat any of it. fuck her. oh well, it tasted like it was days old, anyway. then, then, then. i dont know. but i keep having crying jags. think its almost that time of the month. lameo.

oh, yeah. spoke to jag. he got some of the crap i sent him for his bday. you should have heard him asking about the last package. "you know i hate supriiises" in this "gimme, gimme, gimme" tone of voice. since i left hes come up ail all these "cute" lil saying that are *really* fuckin annoying. like he says "okies", "fuckerd" n shit like that. actually those are the ones ive been trying to deal with. there are worse ones that i just cant. id list em, but i dont remember what they are even though he annoyed me with em just a few minutes ago (yay for short term memory loss. i knew itd come in handy someday). it sounds like hes done nothing but hangout with 12 year girls since i left. the poor guy is never gonna find him self a woman if he continues to sound like moron. well, unless thats what the people up there sound like. if thats the case, he wont have a problem. WHEN WE GO TO ITALY YOU BETTER NOT TORTURE ME WITH THESE DUMB ASS WORDS YOUVE MADE UP.

so after i spoke to jag i called my ex roommate and asked him if i can use his address, and if hed co sign on a student loan for me. he said yes, but he was busy so were gonna talk about it later. i think i can fix some things if i get this loan. the course is ~$10,000 and i think i can add a percentage of that to the borrowed amount to pay other things off. LIKE MY CREDIT CARD. maybe even get an apartment. i dont know. gonna have to look in to this shit. i hope it all works out. damn, ill have school 10 hours a day, for a while. too bad i cant get a loan for some motivation and energy.

i have to buy health insurance so i can get this damn lump checked out. i think its a cyst. i hope its a cyst. doesnt feel like theres fluid in it, but i cant really tell. oh well. its been around for ~10 years and i dont seem to be dying yet, so im gonna go with cyst. though, i do look like someone who has cancer. even my teacher thinks so (shes a nurse as well as a massage therapist. a lot of em are). anyhow, ive been putting it off cause im broke and i figured id be working for someone soon, but fuck that. even if i do get a job working for someone, i dont see myself doing that for very long. i dont like people enough to work for them. besides theyd be dumb and/or slow and id wanna kill em. anyhow, pray that the lump is no biggie or else ill be dead soon. i wish i could just cut the lump out myself. ive been tempted so many times. hrm, i wonder if i could get a syringe and try to get some fluid out of it. maybe ill just do that and if nothing comes out of it ill freak out and find a doctor to marry so he can fix me up and take care of me while i work at jambajuice. I WANNA WORK AT JAMBA JUICE!#$@!@#$!

i started taking my vitamin supplements again. lets go blood, filter out help me feel healthy. ~4 months, right? ive got so many bottles of pills. im only taking the multivitamins right now, cause i havent checked the amount of stuff in the other pills. i dont wanna make myself sick or anything. i have to stop eating ramen. need real food. i can wait till i get my own place. bet i become a health food junkie. some of that is is mighty tasty. i should start now so that by the time i have my own place again i wont buy *any* crap. smooth transition. im always all or nothing. either im lazier than shit and sit around like a pile of mush, or i go ape shit and want to get 1231234124 things done NOW NOW NOW. i used to love working out, so i know once i start ill become addicted. its getting myself to start things thats the problem.
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