February 15th, 2003


fuckin aye

my sleep schedule has got me goin to bed at 7pm, and waking up at 3am. then i get all bored and depressed. how fun.

tried to watch amelie. its the only dvd i havent already seen 1231231241241412342341234x, but it kept skipping. i finally got through the entire thing just now. thank god you can bookmark dvds.

this computer really really has to go. it makes the electric bill highter and my moms a beeeotch. im gonna have to use my old old old one. i wanted to buy a laptop, but that aint gonna happen anytime soon. oh well. hope i can at least get the dvd player to work in the old one. if not, i wont even be able to watch the same dvds over, and over, and over again. no tv, no dvds, slow crappy computer, 33600 bps connection, mom screaming at me. what a hell.

oh, the bitch half assed hit/pushed me. she was screaming about how i was getting her dishes wet. i was doing such a good job of tuning her out, i didnt even notice what shed just done. then i was like "WTF". she is so fuckin lucky knock the shit out of her. she must be stupid. my god, shes lucky i was off in my own world. i think thats why she did it all half assesd. she was already coming at me, then realized that if she hit me id hit her back, so it was this half assed hit/push thing, then she went away. still screaming, though. she never shuts up. even when im in a another room. she goes ooon and oooooon. oh, but i did tell her to get them out of the fuckin sink then. she leaves them there, then dosnt do the dishes so the dirty ones pile up next to the clean ones and there isnt any room left to fill a pot up to make ramen, then gets mad if shove my pot uner the thing in the middle and water splashes on to the clean ones that have been sitting there for days. if i were to take it out, shed put it back and yell about how i touched her shit. so i just let em get wet. theyll dry by the time she gets around to moving em out of the way, anydamnway. so she moved the thing that holds them on to the counter. fuckin finally. she gets all pissed like ive made the mess. i dont use her fuckin dishes. i dont fuckin cook. i have my one little pot, and my cups and utensils that i wash and reuse. so all that shit piled up is not my fuckin mess. yet she goes off on me about it. so i was like "fuckin clean it. when was the last time you fuckin cleaned?", "why would i clean if youre just gonna go and mess it up", " WHAT MESS IT UP? I DONT TOUCH YOUR SHIT". i only live in this part of the apartment, and its fuckin clean compared to hers. especially considering how much space ive got. ive got everything i own in here. no closet space cause thats all her crap, aaand all her crap that didnt fit in the closet. so ive just got the one little area and where i sit and sleep. the rest is just a pathway to get in and out of the room. god damn shes annoying. why does she collect crap.

so, yesterday i totally blew off cleaning. its a good thing i cleaned a bit the other day, so its not tooo bad in here. just this little area where i sit. maybe ill clean it today. yesterday i just tried to keep myself entertained. watched that movie on and off, came to chat a bit, looked at job listings, emailed some people. oh, i dont have to go to that booking service anymore. i went in the other day to pick up my money, and they were like "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN. WE CAN NEVER GET AHOLD OF YOU" (i know! :oP). so they had more people come on, and someone that was on vacation came back, so he said that he just wanted me to know he hasnt forgotten about me and that hed call when they had something available. so thats good. well, sorta. itd have been nice to pay my bills, but shit. fuck that. that one day was bad enough. ill be lucky if im not traumatized for the rest of my life :oP so moving right along... been mailing people about work. was talking to this one person about a job, but they stopped mailing me. what did i say? oh well. everything is "oh well". i dont give a shit about anything anymore. blah, blah, blah.

guess ill get on that cleaning now. i cant fuckin function with a mess around me, cause all i can think about straightening it up. the problem here is the mess never goes away. even at its best its still a huge mess of crap. nothing has a home. its all just sitting in a box or a bag. like a fuckin storage. i cant ever find shit when i need to. even if i know where it is, i still have to dig though crap to get to it, and i rearrange so much trying to create less mess/more space, i forget where i put shit. the good new is: when i move from here, seeing as i dont even own that much stuff (its mostly just clothes), everything will have a place (see: closet) and ill have nothing but space. ill be able to find shit, ill have space to do shit, and i wont walk past stuff and have it fall down around me cause the shit is piled so damn high. then i wont sit around thinking about how i cant do anything until ive done something about the mess. there will be no mess. no fuckin mess.

oh, yeah. in a fit of boredom i cut my bangs. i hate bangs. i was trying to let them grow out form the last time i decided to cut my bangs. but, no. now i have bangs. fuckin ugly, annoying bangs. i dont even wear makeup, im too damn lazy for bangs. i should just shave my head.

oh, aaand im gonna cut my nails. not today, but soon. im gonna miss them, but theyve gotta go :o\

i guess my body didnt like the idea of cleaning, so it went back to sleep. i was only trying to get warm for a bit. i slept from 7pm till 3am, then from 7am, till 3pm. heh. felt goooood though.

went into the kitchen to shut my tummy up, and my mom was *cleaning*. wtf?

my email has been broken for at least 24 hours. i can log in, but im not receiving any mail. first i thought i wasnt getting any, but that cant be, i always get spam.

its almost 7pm again. bedtime :oP
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