whats the fuckin point? it just makes me so dopey i forget that i was bored. when i first started getting stoned i loved everyone and that was the reason i liked it so much. it knocked me on my ass and i just didnt give a shit about anything. i stopped going to school (alright, i stopped a going a week before all the partying, but the intention was to go back. i didnt think id missed enough days to get dropped), i quit hating old friends and people in general. it seemed like i was almost happy for a minute there, but i think the reality is i was depressed (what else is new, eh?) to begin with and lost all motivation. hangin with glen and tommy was a bad idea cause the only thing we ever did was go to clubs/party, get drunk, stoned then pass out. it was perfect for someone who had absolutely no motivation.
so i did that for a while, and now here i am. this is the most time ive spent sober in a while. i dont like it, but i dont like getting stoned either. its different now and ive smoked so much lately ive built up a bit of a tolerance. now im not as dopey, but i can get stoned and be in a fog for a bit and be happy cause itll be nap time soon. now its 1am and im wide awake. the last time i went without weed i didnt sleep at all till the next evening. this is fucked up. ive been sitting here alone all day and i dont want to do it anymore. i dont want to hang out either, but i dont want to feel the way i do. i start crying for no reason at all. i dont know what im upset about. no one has pissed me off or hurt my feelings, so what the fuck? its fuckin annoying.
i think im tired. not sleepy, but tired in the way i used to tell jag "im tired". its more like "im tired. i dont want to do this anymore". thats what i used to tell jag. sometimes i just meant that i didnt want to deal with him anymore, but i remember one time that i asked him to sit with me. i think we were talking about the pros and cons of different ways commit suicide. i think i said id take pills and told me why that would be a bad idea (dont remember what he said) and we decided slitting wrists would be better. anyhow, i remember crying and asking him if hed sit with me (while i did it and drained in the tub). i think it took him a minute or so to figure out what i was talking about, then he got mad and/or sad and started crying. i remember feeling tired. like this, sorta.
i hate it. really fuckin hate it. im so sick of being depressed. i can go out and do stuff, pretend and forget for a bit, but when im by myself im fucked. right now i feel sorta weird. like im waiting for something, but i know there isnt even a point. like im waiting for someone to come home and save me from myself, but no one is gonna come. maybe thats why im sad. i know im stuck here and there isnt anything to do, anywhere to go, or anyone to talk to (that doesnt mean "msg me"). yup. maybe thats it.
who knows. i dont care, i just want it all to go away. i dont want to be so tired that feel i need to get go away cause there is just no point in going any further. i know there is. even right this second, but i hate the fact that i think like that sometimes. my lifes isnt bad. it could be better, but its alright. im alive and healthy, as far as i know. ive still got so much time (assuming something horrible doesnt happen to me tomorrow) to do all kinds of things, meet quality people, and create a nice life for myself. i waste so much time here, doing nothing and feeling shitty. someday im gonna hate myself for all these years wasted on being pathetic. its really not me, but its become me and i am disgusted. if im lucky my short term memory loss will turn in to alzheimers, or something like that and i wont remember any of this. but then all the good memories will be gone too.
i wish i had a camera so i could take pictures of everybody and everything. keep records so that if/when i do forget, i could read about stuff later. i wonder if id like myself if id have forgotten who i was and had to read about my life. i think im gonna do that. ill just put it on my creditcard like everything else and tell myself ill be done with school and have a decent job soon. well, at least something that will pay a more than minimum wage. anyhow, im gonna get that camera. i want pictures of people, places and things that i like so i will always remember.
anyhow, what started this rant? oh, yes. the weed. i have to quit smoking it. its bad for me. ive done things i wouldnt normally do and its not even helping me tolerate people anymore. my relationship with that stuff is now over. no hangin out with the weed smokers or nothin. ill just stay in my little world of livejournal and aim, where i cant get in to too much trouble and/or stoned. school, sleep, school, sleep. fun.
maybe i just need a hug... and a bowl :oP