so i was thinking about who the hell knows what, and then i remembered some stuff. so now im gonna tell you for absolutely no reason other than to get this down and i have no one to talk to. plus, i cant sleep.
i think i was thinkin about the post i made the other day. not the whole post, but the part about how i wanted jag to sit with me while i drained in to the tub cause i wanted to go away, but i didnt want to wait alone and wanted things to be good one last time. plus, i wanted him there cause then i would be able to say goodbye. anyhow, ive just remembered that ive done that type of thing before before.
my friend domino and i used to talk about killing ourselves together so we wouldnt have to do it alone. guess im just a pussy. anyway, we used to talk about maybe getting a group together, so other people wouldnt have to do it alone, either. another time we talked about just sitting in a garage, and leaving the car on while we got fucked up and took a bunch of pills. we were supposed to party one last time then keep each other awake until we couldnt stay awake anymore so we wouldnt have to wait alone. i think those are the only other times i wanted to do it with someone else around.
when i was little (elementary school) i wanted to kill myself, but at the same time i didnt want to cause id miss my dog and my friends.
then when i got older (maybe late elementary, early jr.high) i wanted someone else to do it for me. i was hoping that i get in to shit with someone, and theyd take care of it. only thing is, people usually like me. i never got in one fight during jr. high or high school (unlike everyone else). only one person (she was known as the chick who kicked eveyones ass, and all the guys were on love with. see: hot chola) came up to me, but victor jumped in and stopped her, and for some reason she apologized to me. a while after that became best friends.
i think everyone thought i was insane, so maybe thats why everyone thought it was best to stay on my good side.
so then there was this one time at a party where this guy was fucked up on who knows what, and going off on this chick, lucy. she was tiny and he was an asshole to begin with. i thought he was gonna hit her so i went off to get him off her ass "wtf, you fuckin pussy. you gonna hit a little girl, you fuckin bitch? shes all of 100 pounds and 5'3". i bet thatll make you feel like a big tough man. blah, blah, blah" i went off for bit. anyhow, he took off in to his room and i figured he was going for one of the guns he was playing with earlier. so i went outside, thinkin that at least it would be quick. the fucker came out with a big ole knife and threw it at me, but the faggot wasnt close enough cause when he through it, it bounced off the blanket id wrapped myself in to keep warm. i think he through it crooked too, for it to bounce. anyhow, everyone freaked and took him away, then me and my friends hitched a ride home cause we didnt want anything to do with them anymore.
then there was the time when i was living in van nuys (when i started this journal). i think i was wanting to die then, too. i could have gotten a job, i just didnt. i had some money saved up and i used that to pay rent. that money ran out just as my lease did, but i didnt do anything like get a job or even think about what i was gonna do next. knowing i had no where to go. i didnt care enough. somehow, things worked out. hiedi wanted me in seattle. jag wanted me in seattle. other people, who are now no where to be found wanted me in seattle and told me that it was such a beautiful place and that id like it so much batter than nasty los angeles. i believed it at the time, spent just about the last of my money on a rental car to move my stuff to my moms, and buy a plane ticket. think i was happy for a minute there.
so then while i was with jag there was that one time where i asked him to sit with me. then a bunch of other times where i dared him to kill me when we were fighting.
im beginning to think i have some sort of death wish.
i suppose this isnt the sort of crap i should be posting for all to read, its more of something i should be telling someone close, but there isnt anyone anymore and i done care enough about what you think of me.